


futility

by damnspacebois (Race_Jackson23)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Author Had A Bad Day And Wrote This To Deal With Feelings, Depression, Heavy Angst, Introspection, Keith (Voltron) Angst, Keith (Voltron) Needs a Hug, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Project Kuron implied, ambiguous timeline, sheith is implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-04 00:07:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14580645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Race_Jackson23/pseuds/damnspacebois
Summary: One afternoon after Marmora training, it occurs to Keith that he hasn’t been happy since the Kerberos mission set off.





	futility

**Author's Note:**

> I had a bad day. Keith's feeling pretty much the same.

One afternoon after Marmora training, it occurs to Keith that he hasn’t been happy since the Kerberos mission set off.

Before Kerberos, there was warmth. Laughter didn’t come easily to his lips, but it was there, and a bone-deep exhaustion had yet to seep in. Afternoons were spent at picnics in the sunshine with his friends, not staring at the wall feeling even more useless than the maps pinned there. Before Kerberos, he was _happy_.

And sure, since, there have been moments. Finding Shiro again, and rescuing him after the year he’d been missing, had been exhilarating, to put it mildly, an overwhelming mix of _thank god he’s alive_ and _what have they done to him_ and _I’ve missed him so much_ that he’d barely been able to hold back. Seeing space up close for the first time was positively _gleeful_. Flying Red for the first time; forming Voltron; seeing the others safe after an intense battle – all have been happy moments, moments when he feels like the universe has slotted back into alignment.

The problem is that, for Keith, the moments are merely that: moments. Too quickly, they fade and the universe tilts again and he’s stuck waiting, _waiting_ – for what, though, he doesn’t know. All he knows is that he’s constantly on edge as if waiting for some big event like you see in movies; that lightning strike of clarity where all the pain and suffering finally makes sense and everyone is suddenly truly excited for what their lives bring next. He thinks that maybe everyone feels this way, especially with the war, but, belatedly, it occurs to him that this on-edge feeling and he have been friends since Shiro left the first time, so perhaps it isn’t that.

He has not been miserable, either. The words to explain become mangled on his tongue, his chest becoming uncomfortably tight to think about it, but he thinks that his state is less … unhappiness, and more, just, an … absence. Emptiness. Anger fleets through at times, hot and intense but short and elusive, a burst of fire rather than sustained flame. Happiness, fear, everything else, is even more elusive and short-lived. Most of the time though, he just feels empty.

The realisation is … jarring, but not? It’s one he finds he already knew on some subconscious level, so it’s not like he’s surprised, per se, and since it only occurs to him while he’s alone and shucking off his clothes in preparation for the showers, he’s able to deal with it pretty effectively once he’s done showering.

“Effectively” is curling into a ball on his bed, of course. He doesn’t cry – he’s not even sure if he wants to – and he doesn’t move, just lies there for a good varga or two staring at his pillow. The emptiness overwhelms him, and the urge to get up presses at the base of his spine, but he finds he can’t and, really, why bother? He has nowhere to be; no one expecting him. After all, that’s part of why he lies there so listlessly.

That makes him think that perhaps he’s wrong in thinking he’s empty. Sometimes, it’s as if all he has become is _worry_. Worry for his fellow blades, worry for the paladins he’d once called family, worry for Shi– _but Shiro had made it quite clear after he’d returned the second time that he didn’t feel that way anymore and Keith knows that, even if he can’t help the worrying when Shiro’s eyes look tight and his hands clench where they once would have reached for Keith_ – worry for the universe, even. Sometimes, he feels like it’s consumed him, like his personality is just that apprehension and the subsequent fight. Like all he is is the struggle and nothing else.  

He struggles and fights and _cares_ , except that burnt up the rest of him and left nothing left for him.

~~Or maybe he fights because he wants to feel something and when he doesn’t, he blames that on the fighting instead. He’s become so used to it that he wouldn’t know.~~

It’s exhausting. Not physically, although, laying there, he realises that it’s taken a toll on his body too. The emptiness drains at him, that anxiety itching away, and makes it hard to talk to people, which is painful because he’d never been particularly good at that in the first place. He finds it drags on his need to keep one foot in front of the other too – _why keep going if he just doesn’t care? What’s the point?_ – and he wonders if that means he’s depressed or shit, but it’s not like he’s suicidal, so it hardly matters if he is.

(The incident with Zarkon’s ship doesn’t count. He hadn’t wanted to die. He just hadn’t cared if he did, and when the benefits outweighed the negatives, it was a good payoff.)

He’s adrift and tethered, purposeless and directed all at once. He’s not happy but he’s not unhappy, he just _is_ , and he doesn’t know what to do with that.

So he keeps doing what he’s done. He does missions and he helps out the paladins and he tells Shiro he’s there for him ~~even though something feels off about Shiro when he says it~~ and honestly just keeps going. There’s no point in stopping, ~~even though what’s the point in going on~~ not when the Galra still tear apart the universe and he feels the need to stop them – and hurt them, like Shiro had been hurt, like Keith had been hurt in turn – sing in his blood like a siren.

On the afternoon Keith realises he hasn’t been happy since Kerberos, he takes a moment to breathe, and then shrugs it off.

He has more important things to worry about.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr as @damnspacebois. Feel free to come chat.


End file.
